Taking a Break

It is official. I am taking a break from the dating scene now. I'm just going to enjoy spending time with my friends from now on. The last few months...well who am I kidding, over the last couple years it has all been leading up to this.

I'm a very busy girl, especially at the lovely age of 21 where hitting the bars is still kind of a new thing. And it's fun. But I also am a full time college student, I work part time at a retail store, and I'm a second shooter for wedding photography (and we've booked quite a few weddings this year). My free time has gone out the window. It seems like the reason why guys break up with me lately is always due to me not having time to spend with them. I can't help it that I'm busy almost 24/7. So after my break up yesterday I realized I just don't have time for a guy. I need time for me, for my life, for this photography business that is hopefully going to be my full time career by this time next year. I'm also wanting to get to the point where I can branch off and work on some other projects besides weddings. I'm really interested in fashion photography and I love shooting live shows of bands. On top of that, I want to get into shooting bands in general, I have met a handful over the last couple of months since I live so close to Chicago that I'm interested in getting promo shots for them.

And it doesn't help that along with this break up, my ex from two years ago that I wrote about on this blog has been talking to me again. Technically he re-added me on Facebook right before Christmas a few months ago. We were civil to each other back then, ignoring the way he broke up with me and how he just dropped me like we hadn't been together for a year or close friends for four years. But then we started to get hints of hostility towards each other, because the two of us are sarcastic as all hell. Mix that with him being a flirt and having just got out of a relationship with some gorgeous girl; yeah, I was jealous. And hurt. So I deleted him from Facebook because I just couldn't stand seeing all of those things, it hurt too much. But just last week he sent me a message and we started talking again...which lead to us talking over text messages again one night. Which lead me to a horrible truth I've been trying to deny for over a year since the break up.

I'm still in love with him.

No matter how hard I try I just can't go a day without thinking about him. The last few months I keep stumbling upon memories we've had together over the last few years now. He's one of those bad boy types and he doesn't deserve what I feel for him because I'm sure he doesn't care, but I can't stop myself. He's always in my head and my heart. Until I can find a way to fix that, I can't be with anyone else. It just isn't fair to some other guy.

So here's to hoping my future looks bright this year, and that I can kick dating successfully until I have the time and I can be fully in it.

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Best Songs to Shake it to



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 Ever have a song that you hear and no matter what you feel like there's no way in hell you're body is going to let you not dance to it? These are some of the songs that I can't not shake it to, some of which are guitly pleasure songs, in no particular order.

1) Taio Cruz- Hangover
2) Maroon 5- Moves Like Jagger
3) Lights- Flux and Flow
4) Ellie Goulding- Lights
5) Cobra Starship- You Make Me Feel...
6) Rihanna- Cheers
7) DJ Khaled- All I Do Is Win
8) Drake- Forever
9) MGMT- Electric Feel
10) 3oh!3- My First Kiss
11) Far East Movement- Rocketeer
12) Britney Spears- I Wanna Go
13) Jennifer Lopez- I'm Into You

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Not Like the Other Girls

I turned 21 last week and went out with my girls to a bar. I got pretty wasted, met quite a few people, got free drinks left and right, danced my heart out with the girls, and overall had a great time. The morning after I spent seven hours straight throwing up my stomach. I swear my liver was probably flushed down that toliet.

I haven't went out drinking since. Why? Partially because I can't even use mouthwash in the mornings without feeling like I'm taking a shot and wanting to puke, but mostly because I have never been one of those party girls. Alcohol never really interested me. Neither do other drugs. Parties in general make me incredibly uncomfortable. Like awkwardly so.

I don't understand what's wrong with me, because I'm determined something is. I hate social situations. I'm barely okay with going on dates. I overanalyze everything before I go out and assume the worst is bound to happen, I'll embarrass myself beyond repair, and somehow end up friendless and miserable until I die when I'm 90 years old with only my cats for company.

That cannot be normal.

For once, I just want to go out and have fun and not be the awkward, uncomfortable girl who's afraid to try new things. I want to be able to meet people without needing to rely on liquid courage.

I just want to be able to be me, without wondering if everyone is okay with who that is.

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Crushing Is Crushing Me

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I hate crushes. I hate the word 'crush' on it's own. It sounds so painful; I mean I crush spiders. Yet here I am. This is me, having a crush on a guy and feeling totally lame about it at the same time. And that happens everytime I have a crush on a guy. I feel mega lame because he's all I can think about for God knows what reason and he probably hasn't even had my name cross his mind since last week.

Then I get all nervous when it comes to him. I overthink what I'm going to say and then hope it doesn't come out wrong when I say it, then after the fact wonder if I should have said it at all. This is so not normal! What happened to being cool and composed? What happened to me being so nonchalant?

So you might have noticed by now I'm talking about the guy from a couple posts ago. Guess who gave him her number? This girl. Guess who's still keeping her fingers crossed for a text or call to hang out? This girl.

Everybody else has been telling me how cute it is that I'm crushin' really badly on this guy, but I feel like a dork. I'd feel better if I knew that we were becomming friends again, but I'm left here wondering what he even thinks about me after two years ago. He's supposed to be a nice guy who doesn't hold grudges, and if he gave me the chance to explain why I freaked out two years ago, I think things would be great. But I'm left here waiting for my chance to explain.

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Of Me

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You can learn a lot about a person through their music. I wish when we met someone new it was a custom to hand over a mix CD that told them about yourself. Of course the conversations to get to know someone are exciting, but I love listening to music that others listen to. I learn so much about them through their favorite songs and bands.

If you had to make a mix CD that told about who you are right now, what songs would you pick? I've been thinking about what mine would be today and I came up with a list of some songs in no particular order that would describe me right now.

1) Bon Iver- "For Emma"
2) Fleet Foxes- "Your Protector"
3) Murder By Death- "The Organ Grinder"
4) Band of Horses- "Infinite Arms"
5) A Fine Frenzy- "Near To You"
6) St. Vincent- "Paris Is Burning"
7) The National- "Anyone's Ghost"
8) Grizzly Bear- "Colorado"
9) Iron & Wine- "Freedom Hangs Like Heaven"
10) Paloma Faith- "Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful?"
11) Ellie Goulding- "Under the Sheets"
12) Florence & the Machine- "Drumming Song"
13) Cold War Kids- "Every Man I Fall For"
14) My Chemical Romance- "Sing"

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Break Ups & Regrets About Another



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There's nothing worse than finding out the guy you've been crazy about for five or six years is breaking up with you after almost a year of being together. Worse still when out of nowhere it ends immaturely and you don't get a reason. Say...getting dumped because of a relationship status change via Facebook then not being told why.

That was about a week ago, and sadly more bad news came my way that week (which I won't get into). Despite this, I've been thinking about someone I hadn't in 2 years. I actually chickened out when I had the chance to go on a date with him because I felt he was too great of a guy to like me in the end. I've only ever dated jerks. So now I'm trying to reconnect with him (but just as friends) to see where it goes. I still need time to get over this break up obviously. But I'm afraid I ruined the chance because I was only a silly 18 year old back when we were becomming friends and I did something stupid.

We have two mutual friends who were trying to set us up around the time of my graduation. Basically we hung out a few times with our two friends and some of their friends, but the time came when he asked me out, just the two of us. Me? On a date? I've been on one my whole life and got dumped the next day. Yeah, wasn't too excited at the idea. So what do I do? I freak. I made up some excuse that I was busy because I was leaving for Florida in a few days and I'd be gone for two weeks then. But at the sametime him and I had been getting closer, there was another guy who'd been hitting on me. (Another jerk of course, but something about them sadly make me feel more comfortable.) Eventually when I was in Florida this other guy straight out asked me out. Silly me said yes. The relationship lasted about two weeks but totally ruined my chance with the good guy. I was told he wasn't mad at me months ago when I finally had the nerve to ask one of our mutual friends, he just felt a little disappointed that some jerk younger than both of us basically got me instead of him. Though I really wanted him...

That was two years ago, so I'm hoping maybe a friendship is still possible with him. Who knows, but now I catch myself checking Facebook at least once a day to continue our conversation. I have my fingers crossed it gets to the point where I can give him my number without it being too soon (he never had a phone 2 years ago).

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Another Reason To Smile

The furthest back I can remember is when I was five and we got our first cat. She was just a loud little kitten, and two weeks later we got her brother. They've been wonderful family members ever since.

A few weeks ago my mom's friend who rescues strays found a cat crossing the street at night. She was driving home and spotted orange eyes gleaming in the distance. Slowing down, she thought it was a raccoon  up ahead. Once she got closer though, she realized it was a cat. She continued on, making sure not to hit it, but saw a car out of her rearview mirror. It wasn't long after that she turned her car around in search of the stray, afraid of the cat being hit. She found it wandering the corn fields along the side of the road and was instantly greeted with her meows. She picked her up and got back into her car, the cat sitting on her lap the rest of the drive. 

Since then, she's been fed and given a place to stay as well as being brought in to see a vet to make sure she's doing alright. Surprisingly, the vet said she was pretty healthy for being a stray and was clearly once a housecat since she was trained to use a litter box and had such an even temper. Unfortunately, the cat had just had a litter of kittens since she started nursing and the woman was unable to find them and rescue them too.

And now here she is, about to be taken in by my family. I got to meet her last night and found she was the most adorable cat. She was so loving after the initial fear of me. I had a chance to play with her for awhile as well and found it oddly cute how she purred the entire time. I also learned she loves neck rubs/scratches more than food, which is hard to believe because she sure can eat! Either this weekend or next week we'll be taking her into our home and hopefully a week after that introducing her to our other cats. Fingers crossed they get along!

I named her Bella already, my mom and the woman who found her already loving the name as well. It was the first one that came to mind and I think it fits. Being that I'm Italian and Bella means beautiful, I think it only works more. She is such a beautiful cat and I cannot wait to give her the good life she deserves.

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